Mom Fail: Turdlers

I see other mothers on social media that look like they have their lives together, I however am not one of those moms. I drink wine in my bathtub after my daugthers go to bed because somedays it’s needed. Most day I don’t get dressed and get myself together because I’m probably not leaving my house, three kids anywhere by myself LOL no thank you, they gang up on me. I don’t have a good skin care routine, often I forget to wash my makeup off so I sleep in it(whoopsie). Somedays I sit on my kitchen counter and eat aerosol whipped cream by the can because well that’s who I am. I wasn’t given a parenting manual when I had Gracelyn and I most certainly wasn’t given a Twin Manual when they came along. I had three daughters in 19 months. I had seen family and friends parent, so I thought I had a good idea what I was doing when I had them, I was wrong. The first week is rough getting adjusted to having a baby. They cry, you cry, they sleep, you spend that time watching them sleep to watch their breathing, and the cycle continues. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. As the days go by you start to get the hang of things. Baby starts sleeping more and you feel confident in your parenting. You know your child/children, you have a good thing going but that confidence doesn’t last long because then they hit that stage we know all too well, the Turdler stage. Also known as the Sasshole stage. That is the ultimate test of your parenting ability, although I’m fearful teenage years with these three might be the icing on the cake but we haven’t got there yet, pray for me.

What is a turdler you might ask? It’s the age range where a baby turns into a toddler, then it decides to act like a turd. In my experience the age range is 2-4 years old, and we are in our prime time for it in my household! Well in my case specifically a turdler is a beautiful blonde girl with big blue eyes, that has the same face I had as a kid, with the same attitude and sass. This specific turdler is hilarious to the point it’s hard to punish because I laugh, she’s clumsy as in trips over air(just like her mommy), she’s sneaky and she’s a sweetheart. When they say the apple doesn’t fall far, they meant the apple doesn’t leave the tree. Take this turdler and times it by three, that is my life. Gracelyn made me a mom, she made me grow up and stop thinking of myself first and put others. She changed me in ways I didn’t know existed, I learned to light sleep to listen to her breathing. She taught me more about life than I had learned in the 23 years of my life. She was the scariest thing I had experience, knowing I would have to take care of her and keep her alive when I barely felt responsible enough to take care of myself. We did it though and we decided to have another baby so Gracelyn had a sibling close in age. The day the Cubs won the World Series(GO CUBS GO), I found out we were expecting again. A month later, we got the shock of a lifetime when we saw it wasn’t one baby but in fact two very healthy babies. Nothing prepares you for learning there are two coming, I was in denial for a while because the thought of having three babies under 2 was overwhelming and I knew judgment from others was coming. We had a rough pregnancy but we delivered our di/di identical twin girls 1 year 7 months and 4 days after Gracelyn was born.

Let’s fast forward a few years and we have hit the mother load of turdler days. They take turns, depending on the moment. Picking a movie or tv show, one will agree and the other two protest, one will be vocal and the other will stomp away and pout. It’s like clockwork. Usually it’s the big sasster(see what I did there) that is vocal. Today this was our debate…

Gracelyn- Mommy nooooo we don't want to watch True! We want Scooby-Doo!                                                                                                                             
Me- Gracelyn, Paityn chose True, we can watch Scooby next.
Gracelyn- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!(arms crossed, grump face) *Maisyn runs to the corner and cries*
Me- Girls, we can watch it next
Gracelyn- Fine mommy be a brat like you are and see if we like you 
Me- You love me cuz I do everything for you
Gracelyn- Then get me Gold Fishes*as she stomps her feet*

I stared at her waiting for manners. Nope, Turdler was in full sasshole mode.

Me- Gracelyn, where's your manners?
Gracelyn- Prolly next to the Gold Fish...
Me- I can't even with you *face palm*
Gracelyn- Then don't even. Gold Fish momma, Gold Fish

And that also my friends is when it sank in that to them, I’m just their snack b***h. I’m their maid, their tv person, I give them the food they want when they want and what do I get in return? Demands. Maybe I’ve just created a monster within my spoiled kids, or maybe I’m just a good mom who provides for my children. It depends on which way you look at it I guess. I get demands but today for instance, I got something I haven’t had in at least a year or maybe even two, I had all three girls sleep and cuddle on me at some point today. I had unlimited kisses from both twins, I had Gracelyn grab my face telling me how I’m the “greatest mommy” because I gave them frozen gogurt. They are the definition of sour patch kids, like is the company hiring? I have three beautiful girls that would be able to do the commercials without having to act. I should also make mention that at one point today Gracelyn told me to “stop being Carole, Candyce.” I turned to her and asked “what did you just say to me” and sure enough my tiny tot looked at me straight in the eyes and repeated “I SAID STOP BEING A CAROLE, CANDYCE.” I had to take a minute to respond to her and she looked at me with her eyebrows raised, hand on her hip, staring at me while shes wearing her blue princess dress and rain boots, waiting as patiently as she could get for me to reply. She was staring directly at me waiting for a reaction, she stood there like she was thinking of her next comeback to me. It clicked in my brain pretty quick that she has been paying attention at night when I had been watching Tiger King. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tiger King, Carole is hated for multiple reasons, long story short is she’s a bad person(I recommend watching it, it has more curve balls than a baseball game). So my 4 year old used a Tiger King reference calling me a bad person. I couldn’t correct her or punish her for it because I couldn’t stop laughing. MOM FAIL. She caught me off guard so hearing her call me Carol made me laugh so hard I cried. My turdler knew then that she had me hook, lined and sinker. She was going to get her way. No one gave me the heads up that this is one of the hard parts of parenting a turdler. If you laugh, they will continue to do it and it’s ridiculously hard to stop laughing when your child does/says something they aren’t supposed to. Does it make me a bad mom to laugh at it? Probably, do I regret it? Not at all. It gave us a moment for both of us to laugh and she realized she made me happy, she was proud of herself so she ran up to me and hugged me.

Another mom fail I have, I cuss. Whoops. It’s been a work in progress to get better at not cussing but it’s easier said than done. I’ve improved a lot but there are also a lot of other adults around that have potty mouths. Kids are smart and pick up on things easily. It’s not cute when a child cusses in my opinion, but sometimes when your child says something and it catches you off guard it’s kinda funny. I have two different times Gracelyn has said bad words, I had to keep it together to make her realize you can’t do that. It’s frowned upon. Like I said, I’m not one of those moms who have the perfect life. The twins have yet to cuss thankfully, they feed off each other so if they did it would be impossible to get them to stop. They are the reason I have worked hard to improve my choice of vocabulary. I’ve never been a mom that said my kids won’t have this or eat that, because let’s face it, it’s nearly impossible to keep them 100% healthy. Kids are picky, currently my girls are living off mac n cheese, chicken nuggets, Gracelyn with ranch and the twins with ketchup, pickles and olives. If I can get them to eat woohoo! Sometimes it’s a serious struggle to get your children to eat food, the whole “they’ll eat when they’re hungry”, those people should come hangout with my kiddos especially once they hit the hangry stage. My girls are huge milk fans though so they do have that going for us I guess. Picking and choosing your battles are a serious thing around here. You don’t want to wear pants? Okay, but don’t take your undies off and pee on my floor, deal?(we are potty training twins, it’d be amazing to have that Mommy Manual right now) You want your mac n cheese with ketchup on the purple plate with the blue fork? Done, as long as you eat it all. I’ve also learned that when I make plates of food, they won’t want what’s on their plates but they will love what’s on mine even if it’s the same food. So I make two plates for me, the dummy plate and my food I might get to eat. There’s so much to keep these turdlers happy, but we are achieving it.

It’s amazing to see their personalities come out and who they are becoming. I’m happy to see how driven they are, kind of concerned the drive is going to keep me in the principals office. Strong personalities create strong women, that’s what I’m thinking though. Judge me if you want but being a good mom Trump’s being a “perfect” mom. They know I’m a mess most days but that’s how they love me. They need a happy mom, that’s what I’ll give them. A happy home, a safe home, a comfortable home where they will always know they are loved. Each day is chaos, it’s a mess, but I am blessed to have three of the greatest turdlers. Mommy is the best title I’ve held.



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