Week 1. FAIL.

That’s right, you see me sitting on my kitchen floor, drinking a Capri Sun. Why? Because this first week of not only one but two new schedules has really put me to the test. If I had wine, I’m confident I’d be chugging the bottle. Let me tell you the story of how I came to be spending my Saturday night on my kitchen floor drinking my daughters last Capri Sun.

Earlier this week started our new work schedule, it changed my days off. I’ve been on the same schedule for the last 6+ months. I need to shout it out now that I am not a fan of change. I need a bumper sticker that says DON’T FIX WHAT’S NOT BROKEN. Yeah, I hate change that much. With our new staff, our schedules had to change. This was the first week of the new schedule and I worked with different people. It went well although my days off changing has seemed to make this week drag.

I had Monday off thanks to this new schedule. I thought the girls and I would sleep in, enjoy some peace and quiet while we have an “us” day. All was fine until I heard the dogs go barking and saw a vehicle I didn’t recognize in my driveway. We live in the BFE so unexpected visitors doesn’t usually happen so I raced to throw clothes on and see who it was. It was our appraiser, from the adult onsie I had just thrown on he could tell I had no idea he was coming over. I quickly dressed the three nakey Turdlers (potty training is my excuse, or it was laundry day which is also truthful) and he did what he needed to do. He thanked me for our service and that he understood wives serve too. The rest of the day went well other than that minor anxiety attack I caused myself(whoopsie)

Tuesday before work, which used to be my Thursday but now it’s my Monday (see, confusing) Maisyn got her first fat lip. Minutes before I had to leave for work she biffed it(meaning she took a note from mommy’s handbook and face planted on the wooden floor) she was playing and boom down she went. She cried and I checked her lip out, bleeding. I’d bet money she will be my child that has a weak stomach to blood. She cried and clung to my neck. As I’m holding on to her, the twin bond or whatever you’d like to call it must have engaged because Paityn bit her tongue not even 30 seconds after Maisyn fell. I then had two ba ies crying and bleeding. I’m not sure what kind of household you have but mine is mostly ran on popsicles. Once again they save the day! Half a dozen popsicles and two number mouths later both twins were calmed and no longer bleeding. I was able to hand off the girls to the sitter(aka their Nunna my mother) and get out the door to work on time.

Wednesday, to be honest my week blended together after Tuesday. Thursday was also a blur, did Friday even happen? Let’s fast forward to Saturday.

The girls have been up and down all week when it comes to bed time, especially the oldest who has started crying for her dad at night. Last night was the toughest night so far and I got very little sleep between taking care of all three. We got up and the puppy had destroyed his bed, went potty inside, drug out all the girls toys and was just being a menace. I cleaned the messes up and realized I needed to do the dishes. Laundry was washed but it needed folded and put away. The grass is looking kind of 1970’s shag style outside so mowing is on the agenda. I realized I need to pick up groceries especially paper towel I was now out of. I got the girls their food, cups and started picking up the now destroyed house. Very quickly time passed and I needed to get ready for work. I took a quick bath, Maisyn was mad about something so she was attached to my hip. As soon as I got out of the tub that child was naked and in the tub. It was almost like the twins are each other’s shadows because splash there was Paityn in the tub. Big sister couldn’t let them have all the fun so here she came strutting her stuff before taking over the tub. It’s cute until they unleash their bossiness and start hitting each other, teen years are going to be miserable. I drained the tub, got all three dressed and myself ready for work in time. Maisyn wanted mommy so I skipped makeup(those who saw me today I apologize for looking like Chef Troll on Trolls) and cuddled her for a bit. Headed to work, music blaring, preparing for my Friday.

Work was work. With my job it’s hit and miss how the shift will go, you never know what’s coming. When I say that, I also mean in your home life! My sitter messaged me, the bathroom sink broke and there was water flooding my house. THERE IT IS. Not even one week into deployment and something hits the fan. My kitchen, bathroom, basement, all of it has water. My stash of toilet paper, that white gold that people are hoarding, all the rolls were ruined. I might have to sell a child to Rumpelstiltskin to obtain more toilet paper. Luckily my sitter and parents were able to get the water off and the mess cleaned up. Tomorrow my parents will fix the sink completely, hopefully ๐Ÿ˜ I decided to grab dinner at work tonight and figured I’d stop at the store to get TP and much needed paper towels. I forgot to grab my mask from my work bag so as I pulled into the store parking lot, I remember it’s now mandatory to wear masks in public places where you might not be able to be 6ft apart or the store can choose to refuse you service. I decided to not chance the argument and went back to work, tp-less and wine-less. I knew I’d need it tonight but my forgetness cost me my wine time tonight. The Covid has really thrown everyone through a loop so kudos to us all for hanging on.

When I got home from work I felt completely overwhelmed. I have so much to do in such a short time, I need to finish up laundry especially since three girls in big girl undies, two of which are mid potty training, they need clean undies. Towels were completely dirty due to the Tsunami that happened this evening. The laundry is built up so high, all clean, but putting it away and sorting it is going to take FOR-EV-ER(please get the reference). The grass needs mowed, so bad it’s unreal. I might have lost Sarge in the grass if it wasn’t for his little nub of a tail wagging(I’m being dramatic, it’s not that long but long enough to annoy me). My house is messy, not dirty but not up to my standards so I know I’ll spend the next two days cleaning and going through things to get rid of. The icing on the cake was when I was reminded, I need to have Gracelyns school work turned in soon. I feel like a failure as a mom because the last few weeks we have pushed Gracelyns education to the back burner, we chose to spend time together instead. It was a selfish decision but I think it was a good decision. We are adjusting routines to a single parent household, a new work schedule and now a no school schedule. I love routine, so does Gracelyn and now her poor schedule has changed twice in a week. Now I’ve pushed her education to the back and feel like I’ve let her down. I know I haven’t, but I fell behind on her work so we will be catching up on it. She’s been acting out, telling lies and has turned into a Gremlin that someone watered after midnight. My sweet child cried for her dad last night, go the point she was screaming and woke her sisters. My bed slept all for of us last night and almost tonight too. How do I fix everything, catch up on everything, maintain a routine and comfort my daughter? So much in one night. Maisyn was awake when I got home, she wanted cuddled so mommy cuddled. She needed me but I needed her more. We took pictures and held each other for a while before I bribed her to go to bed. So there I sat, on my kitchen floor drinking the girls last Capri Sun, trying to figure out how I’m going to manage to take care of this all.

These problems are minor, it’s stuff that will get done even if it’s babysteps. To me, it’s overwhelming and makes me anxious. It dawned on me though, I’m not the only person feeling like this. I scroll through my news feed on Facebook and many others can relate to feeling like they need to fix the world instantly. We can’t tho and we should ask for help when we need it. I’m a very independent person so asking for help has never been easy for me. My parents have helped out and are taking care of a few of the problems, because they know I need their help. Is it a pride thing to. It ask for help? I know I should be able to do it on my own so is that why I don’t ask? Is it a sign of weakness and I want to appear bulletproof? I don’t know the answer, but I do know I have great support that knows when I need them without asking. Everyone has people like that, to have our backs regardless of the situation. If you don’t think you do, I’ll be that person for you without missing a beat. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. This world has enough evil, we can be the good.

We don’t have to have it all figured out instantly. Babysteps are still steps and as long as you’re still moving, you will get somewhere. I repeat that to myself daily because I need it. Week 1 has felt like a failure, I bent but I didn’t break. Now I lay here listening to the two year olds talk to each other, laugh, sing and count while the four year old plays on the tablet(judge me because it’s 3am and my kids aren’t asleep/playing with electronics, they’re at least content and so is my heart). I need to learn to stop having a negative mind and appreciate the little things like those giggles or my toddler watching makeup tutorials. Good things are in each day, we just have to notice them…


Candyce ๐Ÿงก

Day 2.

I know the last few blogs have pulled at most heart strings, for given reasons, but that doesn’t mean all days will be sad. Day 2 started with all my children sleeping until 11. ALL THREE CHILDREN SLEPT IN, I WOKE THE TWINS UP. Like thank you Lord for blessing me with much needed sleep! The twins were up super late singing and talking so I hoped they’d sleep in. Gracelyn woke up, unlocked my phone and decided to educate herself with YouTube so not a peep out of her. I woke up to the pup licking my face. I got up, tripped over Zeus and face planted into the bathroom door. Shocker to no one, I just wanted to test gravity out for everyone, good news it still works! Gracelyn looked at me, sighed and said “Mom you’re not supposed to hug the door”. Thanks child, I had no idea. I went to get the twins up and when it comes to waking the twins up they are opposites. One baby is more like daddy, waking up in a decent mood. The other is just like mommy, it’s like waking up TeKa, the lava monster off Moana. It’s closely accurate, flames and all. It’s not a pretty sight and usually there is growling. Paityn, is usually the one like mommy. She’s known as the Pistol for a reason. I bribed the growling baby bear with chocolate to not bite my hand while reaching into her bed to get her out of bed. I made the girls a jar of Hershey Kisses, labeled “Kisses from Daddy” so each day they get a “kiss” from Daddy. Another reason why Paityn is mommy’s mini, she agrees chocolate is LIFE! Mentioned chocolate and that child was bright eyed and bushy tailed(never quite understood that expression). Fast forward through potty time(potty training is for the birds ๐Ÿ™„) and it was breakfast time.

these pictures are blurry because it’s impossible to capture them sitting still ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

The girls are super picky so it’s always a challenge to find a meal they’ll all eat. But I also know if I offer them something 1/3 will refuse, but if I eat something 3/3 will eat it. Mommy had a granola bar and would you have guessed, none of my children wanted their cheesy scrambled eggs but the sure loved mommy’s granola bar. They also got their “kisses” from Daddy and proceeded to start the tornado throughout the house. Gracelyn decided to color, Maisyn decided to take her clothes off and use herself as a canvas for markers and Paityn laid back on the couch watching tv(again, my girl!) I cleaned up the eggs left over from the dogs cleaning the plates and got the girls their highly demanded popsicles. What are in those things that they have taken complete control over my children? I’m not above bribery, or rewarding my children. I looked in to see a naked toddler trying to ride on the back of my Rottweiler puppy who wasnt phased at all with her attempting to turn him into a horse. There was a big puddle of a mystery fluid on the floor(again, potty training is not fun) whether it came from the puppy or naked child I do not know ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ. The crayons were now covering the dining room floor and Gracelyn looked at me as she shrugged and said “I don’t know what happened. I closed my eyes to blink and they exploded everywhere”. Girls got jokes ๐Ÿ˜ I brought in their lunch and made them sit at the table. I returned to the kitchen to get their drinks, came back to find now 2/3 of my children were in their birthday suits and the oldest wasn’t far behind. Do I argue with all three to put clothes on or do I let it go for now? Yeah, I wasn’t up to fight with them today. Gracelyn decided to have a meltdown because Maisyn was sitting in “Gracelyns chair”, she might be tiny but she is mighty with her attitude, sass, temper and strong will. That moment showed clearly she might look just like me but her father is in there somewhere! When she stomped her foot with that scowl look on her face, yep there he is! She didn’t get her way but I sat down eye level to her and made her talk to me. She calmed down quickly and laid on my lap. She finally asked Maisyn to switch her spots and would you know, that’s all it took to get “her” seat? Maisyn didn’t care as long as you don’t take her food away. She wasn’t sitting anyway she was standing up shaking her booty to the cartoons playing music on TV while eating her cheese quesadilla. She’s such a happy turdler. Paityn was laying on the couch eating her quesadilla because she wasn’t ready to deal with people yet. Gracelyn wanted to have waffles with sausages and bacon for dinner. Unfortunately I didn’t have what I needed so I had a minor anxiety attack over knowing I can’t just up and take the girls with me to the store. With the COVID some of our local stores were saying no children allowed and as of Friday the lovely Governor of ours has enforced mandated masks for anyone over 2. If you’ve met my very strong willed children you KNOW masks won’t be happening, so my children are home bound until further notice. So as I thought about it, knowing no one was able to come watch the girls in a last minute ideas, my anxiety kicked in. The independence I was had is gone, the option to go out to the store with my children was not happening. COVID is no joke. With their father deployed, there’s nothing I can do but wait. I posted a status about it and I had so many people reach out to see if they could help. I hadn’t cried today but those comments and messages made me cry all over again. The amount of amazing people around me and my girls is completely amazing. I know my daughters will grow up surrounded by such great people. This world is an evil messed up place, but our community is a great place filled with love and hope. The girls continued to play while I decided to relax and take a bath. A relaxing bath in my household consists of me in a super hot bath with three little girls splashing in the water on me while they beg to get into my water with me. Three minutes into the bath with three naked girls standing next to me, the dogs were outside barking. No one was expected so I towel up and look out the window to see a jeep with someone pinned inside. I had called the dogs off and they came inside. I quickly dressed and the man approached my locked door. I saw his face and instantly recognized him. He was here to do an appraisal on our house. Someone had forgot about it(we all forgot), got all three kids dressed in a flash and the dogs locked up. He finished what he had to do and we made small talk about Nick before he left. The girls decided to watch a movie and I sat on the kitchen counter doing my nails(I tried those Color street stick on nail strips, AMAZING they’re so simple and easy. Glennette Barclay can hook you up!). I felt kind of like I had my life together for a minute right then. My mom came over to watch the girls so I could head to Lowe’s, which turned out to be closed. Ya girl has decided to make herself a dining room table, you did read that right. Me+power tools=911 on stand by but luckily I know a thing or two about 911 ๐Ÿ˜† I jammed out to my own concert in the truck and came home to three little girls with their hair braided, happy as can be to have their Nunna, but ready for bed. The twins went to bed easily tonight, Gracelyn has not. She went to her bed a solid 11 times, I finally said I’m done walking back and forth, she’s currently asleep on the couch. I take pictures of the girls daily, but as you can see it’s a challenge to get one photo in focus let alone all three looking and smiling.

Another day has gone by and tomorrow I return to work. This is when the new “normal” begins. The new routine of things, the adjustments and we will see how smoothly the transition is. We are hanging in there. Nick is doing as well as can be. But for now, another heartbreak for me, that’s right I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy. Thanks Shonda, I needed another cry ๐Ÿ™„


Candyce ๐Ÿงก

Deployment Eve/Day 1.

They say a pictures worth a thousand words, right? What about emotions? Seeing this picture, knowing what happened just prior, is something that breaks my heart. The last night Nick was home I decided to capture those memories for our girls, for when they get older. I followed them around with my camera as they did the routine of things. This picture was taken a minute after we put the girls to bed. It was the last time he would see his daughters this year. It was the last time he’d hear “I love you Daddy” followed by the sweetest kisses from three little blonde girls. It was the last time he’d squeeze them in a big bear hug and it was the last time he would get to see his daughters as is, before they grow and change while he’s gone. Immediately after putting the twins to bed, he went into our bathroom and partially shut the door. As I followed him I knew the familiar sound coming from the bathroom. It was the sound of a father crumbling with emotions, the sniffles and blotted eyes. It was the moment reality had set in for him, he realized the sacrifices he made at 18 when he enlisted. He sat in there for a few minutes before he walked out and took a shower. I decided to upload the photos I had taken of the night, proceeded to cry again(let’s face it, I’ve been an emotional roller coaster lately) because these photos captured so much to me. The photos show the happiness on our daughters faces, the chaos of trying to contain each strong willed child, and it shows how much each child loves their daddy.

The night went as normal, bath, book then bed. Paityn wasn’t ready to say bye to her daddy, she woke up and decided to sleep in our bed most of the night. I think that extra little bit of time was needed. She snuggled into him, grabbed his face to give him a kiss and reminded him repeatedly “I love you daddy”. We were able to get an hour or two of sleep before we had to be up to head to the airport. My mom came over to watch the girls so we didn’t have to drag them out so early. As we were getting ready, our oldest woke up and came downstairs. She hugged her daddy and told him to be safe from the bad guys. She told him she would be good for mommy and that she wanted him to not forget her. I was three foot from them in a different room, hearing my four year old explain that to her dad was like a kick to the throat. She clearly understood what we said when we told her he was leaving. She remembered what country he was going to and that he would be gone for long time. She started to tear up and whine a little, as she sat on her dads lap while he tied his boots. I can’t help but think, will she remember that moment? Will she remember what’s happening when she’s older? What if that is one of the first memories she has? I pulled myself together because it was time to drive a long drive to drop him off.

He hugged my mom, if you think I’m emotional you need to meet my mother. Apple didn’t fall far from the tree but she takes the cake. Seeing how emotional my mom was, hit Nick again and the sniffles started as we left. The drive to the airport was filled with my indecisive music selection, the sniffles, small talk over bills and things to keep track of and what to expect the next few weeks. This is Nicks second tour, he knows what to expect but this is his first with a family. As we pulled into the parking lot I could immediately see a truck with two American Flags flying in the bed, I could see families surrounding their loved one dressed in the camo. I had a vision in my head what it’d be like and let me tell you it’s nothing like the movies. I saw a dad chase his child, who might have been 1 while his older child was running next to him. I saw a husband hug his wife as she broke down fearful of the unknown. I saw a large family come together to see two of their own leave. There is another local family to us that are also on this deployment with us, the Adams family. I cried knowing Tim was going to miss his daughters first birthday. He’s going to miss a lot of her milestones. Why? Because he wants to defend others freedom, he’s a soldier. He and his wife, Maddy, have two children that now are going through what we are going through. It’s going to be nice to have someone close that knows exactly what I’m going through and to lean on each other. It’s also reassuring knowing who will be over there with Nick. At the military Christmas party I met a few of them and one that stuck out was Luke aka Boom(no surprisingly enough I didn’t give him that nickname). He’s one of those funny, good guys that will keep Nick from being a grump butt the whole time. He’s a positive enforcement especially at a time like this. He gave me a big hug today and reassured me everything will be alright, he’d make sure of it. Yes, you guessed it, I cried again. Pretty sure he told me to get it together(he’s not wrong though). I didn’t cry so much for my own family today but for the other families I saw today standing there going through the same emotions we were. I didn’t know who they were, their names, I knew nothing about them but what I did know is we can relate more than anyone and we are a big family overall. Due to COVID(once again I have a few bad words to say about that crock of crap that needs to go away), we weren’t able to walk in with the soldiers or watch them leave. I watched Nick and Boom walk inside, I watched the other families get into their vehicles. The woman in the car next to me put her head down on her steering wheel while playing “Come Home Soon” by SheDaisy(yeah girl I was singing with you on that one). I wanted to hug her or tell her it’s going to be okay but couldn’t. After leaving the airport I needed to stop at Walmart. I kind of just wandered around before remembering why I was there. Nick had text me to tell me they were flying out to *insert location here* where they will be headed before going to the other country. I bought the final stuff for our “Deployment Wall”.

I ended my shopping trip and ventured home. When I say I ventured I really mean I ended up lost to the point GPS was telling me they couldn’t help me. Whoopsie… I was able to drive and listen to music, enjoy the moments to myself I had left. I came across a town I knew and was able to find my way home. I will tell you now that having an amazing support system has made this completely better. My cousin Chelsea, came down to be with me so I wouldn’t be alone. She knew I needed someone without having to ask. She and my amazing coworker Megan were planning on surprising me but Megan ended up working for me allowing me to have today off instead. I don’t know what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life like them, but I thank God everyday for them. Chelsea stayed for hours to hangout with my children, allowing me to take a relaxing bath and take a nap(between lack of sleep and crying I have had a migraine all day), she didn’t second guess letting me get some “me” time or sleep. She’s always had my back and I will forever be glad to have her as my best friend. Once she finally thought it was okay for her to leave, I cleared out the girls old toys(I’m getting rid of 10 bags of toys in the last two day, I promise they still have toys, they’re overly spoiled). I deep cleaned. I went through my clothes, we made bracelets, we started the deployment wall. We did it, we survived day 1. It doesn’t seem like it’s that tough to make it through the first day but I promise, Nick having to walk away from his way home but instead into an airport with none of his girls was tough. Leaving him there and having to answer “where’s my daddy? when’s my daddy coming home? I want my daddy” over and over is tough. I put the twins to bed tonight and they refused to sleep, they quietly singing their ABCs. Gracelyn is asleep in her bed and I’m sitting by the top of the stairs listening to the twins sing. I took a bath, ate a pizza to myself(that’s right, ya girl can put some food away) and the silence quickly took over so I decided to sit here and blog as I listen to them sing. I hate quiet, that leads to overthinking and anxiety and both I need no assistance in. Sarge is snoring at the bottom of the stairs, the cats are laying on the stairs just below me and Zeus is asleep in my bed. I’m not sure what day 2 will consist of but I do know that I’m so thankful for the support we’ve received and the love that’s been sent. It’s motivation to keep going. I will be adding all of the photos from Deployment Eve below.



Even though I’m Leaving…

Nick got the call earlier this week that they’re deploying in xxx days. Those days have turned into hours now. We’ve been preparing over and over but it’s not any easier. I’ve thought of how to tell the girls, all week, and now that we are to the very last minute we finally told them.

We took pictures tonight, the Princesses and their daddy. I’ve only had a chance to go over a few of them because quite frankly it’s been hard to see through the tears. After photos Gracelyn asked if we could sit down on a blanket in the dining room and have a picnic. So there we sat three princesses in rain boots, tiaras, pasta sauced faces and giggles as they raced who could eat what the fasted. It only lasted a few minutes before Paityn was climbing Nick, Gracelyn was chasing the puppy and Maisyn was trying to blow milk bubbles out of her nose(I wish I was kidding). It dawned on me, this was our last family dinner and the chaos in front of me is exactly what I needed. The girls being their typical selves not realizing the drastic change coming. It was the last few moments of them being them before we told them the news. As I sat the girls down, Paityn still climbing Nick’s back, Maisyn actively shoveling pasta into her mouth and Gracelyn realizing there were onions in the food but she “hates onions”, I raised my voice to get their attention. All three looked at me wide eyes and a little terrified I’m sure, I don’t typically raise my voice. I looked at Gracelyn and before I could speak a word the tears were welling in my eyes. I said “Baby we need to talk, we need to have a big girl talk about something important okay?” “What’s wrong momma, why do you always cry?” (Okay child, way to call me out like that) I looked at her and said “Gracie, your daddy is going to be going away for a while, a lot longer than normal. We won’t be able to see him but we can still talk to him on the phone.” She looked puzzled for a minute before she spoke. This was an all too familiar memory of my own past so I knew what was coming. “Why? Where is daddy going?” The room was silent and still besides the sniffles coming from the man next to me and the sound of my heart racing in my chest. How do you explain to a 4 year old that her daddy is off to a war that has been going on most of her mommy’s life? I googled tips this week and the tips said to be honest with her, otherwise they got nada. So I told her “Daddy is going to be a good guy and help people. He’s going to *insert country here* and he’s going with a bunch of other people to help get rid of bad guys.” “Why?” She asked completely stone faced. “Because that’s what daddy does, he helps people. He’s a soldier remember? So he helps others.” My smiley, spunky over the top daughters face quickly turned into a sad face with tears in her eyes as it started to click. She curled up on my lap as I continued to try helping her with her questions and her worries, like how her daddy won’t be home for her birthday or Christmas, he won’t be home for the twins birthday in June, he won’t be here to play with her or cuddle her. My baby was experiencing sadness that I couldn’t fix and that is a helpless feeling. I squeezed my girl while the tears fell from my face. As she and I softly cried together, Paityns clung to her dad’s back playing with his ears, as happy as can be. Maisyn was next to me wearing two tiaras now, wearing her Belle Princess dress and her pink rain boots. She was singing her ABC’s while eating more pasta(I’m not saying she’s my favorite child but when it comes to eating, she’s my girl!). The twins don’t understand it and I think that makes it harder. They ask each morning that Nick doesn’t get them up, where’s daddy? How long will it be of them asking before they get upset and throw a fit for him? How long will the tears of the oldest last when she doesn’t get to cuddle him at night? It’ll get worse before better. My heart hurts so bad for my girls but it hurts even worse for Nick. He’s going to be missing out on everything, for a long while. The girls are changing and developing so much at this age, they’re going to be completely different when he comes home. The sooner this starts the sooner it’s over.

Luke Combs wrote a song called Even Though I’m Leaving, the first verse is Nick and G to a T. He chases her monsters away. He protects her and is her safe haven. I know I can do it too, but I’m not her dad. Every girl needs her dad. How do I make this transition smoothest? The answer? There is no answer. It’s trial and error. Tears will be shed from both of us. How do you be strong for your children when you want to cry for them? I say it all the time, I’m fine. Nick compares me to Meredith Grey because I answer everything with “I’m Fine, I’m always fine”. No matter what’s thrown at me, I answer it the same every time. Maybe this time I won’t be fine, but for now I’m doing fine. The next few weeks please bare with me as we face this change, I’m not sure what to expect other than a lot of wine(probably should invest into wine stocks) and a lot of chick flicks. I luckily have an amazing support system and have taken time off to spend sometime with my girls. They need their mommy but their mommy needs them more.


Candyce ๐Ÿงก

Deployment, Day One?

For the last year and a half, we have prepared for this day. The day Nick left for his next tour of the middle east. It’s been a mentally exhausting challenge to prepare for but we’ve somehow did it. Hooray? No, not quite. The last few weeks leading up to this I’ve became a basket case, overly emotional and quite frankly I’ve became even more annoying than normal(shocker). How do I face my children who cry for their father, when I want to cry with them? How can I be strong about something that makes me so weak? You can’t. I found that answer really quick when my youngest, Paityn, came crying for her father who had left to go to the grocery store. You learn to put on a stone face, snuggle them and cuddle them as much as possible. You learn new breathing techniques so you can avoid making that ugly sobbing noise that’ll clearly give away you’re upset while you hold your child tight. We’ve been through Nick being gone many times, but nothing compares to the length of this deployment and the fact our daughters are older now. He signed up for this, I know it’s a territory that comes with being married to a soldier, but he chose this career long before I came around. I wouldn’t change it though, if you know Nick he’s military to the core. It’s something he’s so passionate about, the four things that are his life, Military, Sports, Clash of Clans(eye roll) and his family. He also likes to get into politics but I refuse to go there with him. The struggle of him being gone is worth it and seeing our daughters faces when he returns will be amazing to capture. Positive thinking right?

But wait….there’s more!

It’s Sunday night, I’m laying in my bed trying to get Twin A, Maisyn to go back to sleep. She’s snuggled up to me snoring as I type away. This was to be our final night together as a family. It’s funny, actually quite terrifying and not at all funny so I don’t understand that expression, but anyway, how things can change in an instant. Nick received word that they will not be leaving for their next phase of deployment tomorrow morning. It’s currently a giant question mark of what the time frame will be. Thanks Coronavirus. Although you might be thinking “that’s good news, more time together right?”, yes and no. I’m a planner when it comes to things like this, I NEED to have things in order and KNOW when things are happening. I HATE surprises, to the point it gives me anxiety(woohoo). Does him being home longer mean he will be gone longer next year? Who knows. Will we have a warning or a few days heads up before he gets notice to leave? No idea. What a giant mystery for us to play out day by day. I’ll be keeping updates in my future blog posts, because Lord knows I’ll have a lot to say. Like I said, it’s always a mess. So for now we continue to play it out day by day. I pretend I’m okay but to be honest I have that kind of anxiety I get when I know there’s only seconds left on the tanning bed and it’ll shut off, or when I’m opening a can of biscuits and I’m not sure when it’s going to pop open, you know THAT kind of anxiety. It’s been great though, to take time off of work and spend it with my extended family. Coronavirus has put a stop to many things, in fact it’s put a stop to everything, but with the lovely technology we have now a days, it’s been great to be connected without risking health. 2020, you have became an unpredictable hot mess, let’s hope your PMS is over for soon enough. I know this is my first blog, but it’s one I figured would help get the word out when I know a thousand questions are coming about Nicks deployment. I appreciate you listening to my rambles and frustrations. Military life isn’t for the faint of heart, it’s not just the uniform and the dog tags. It’s the unknown, it’s the uncertain, it’s the last minute change and you have to make it work. It’s the facetime at 3am because your soldiers in another time zone. It’s the lonely nights over and over, the keeping it together while not letting your soldier know you’re struggling because they need to focus on their mission. But he chose it, he chose this life for us before there was an “us”, and I chose him, so this is our life. It’s only the beginning of this next chapter, but I’m sure it’ll be eventful. Day 1 is almost over and I’d be lying if I said I can’t wait to see what’s next.