Week 2 I Think: I Can’t Count

Mental Breakdown or Beautiful Masterpiece?

Maybe, just maybe I have finally lost it. What’s that picture you see? Oh, that’s my bedroom wall that has sat, white for far too long. As I spent today with the girls I started to rearrange and clean out old clothes from my room. The girls continued to play upstairs with me, bouncing from room to room, destroying everything in their tiny little tornado path. I don’t understand how someone so cute and tiny can cause mass destruction in a small amount of time but let me assure you, these littles can do it. I wondered how much velcro walls were so I googled, just out of curiosity for you know, research purposes. Unfortunately Amazon does not have my back on the idea, it’d help keep them still for long enough to clean up the mess they left behind. I sat on my bed, staring at the wall for what seemed like forever. Suddenly an idea popped into my head, a flash back from when I was a kid. My parents had this ugly wallpaper in their bedroom and one time my dad told us we could use marker to fill in the design. It was the only walls we could color on and it kept us occupied for what felt like years. I told the girls to come into my room and sit. Maisyn laughed in my face because she thinks everything is funny, Paityn refused because she had to pee(potty training with that child has been so very successful, mostly because the child refuses to leave the potty seat) and Gracelyn actually listened(I’m blogging this to document it). As soon as I said the word “paint” my children were full attention absorbing every word I said. They sat still and focused on me. I asked them if they’d like to paint my wall behind them. Imagine children running free, through the Wonka Candy stores with unlimited access to anything their hearts desired. That my friends, is the reaction my children gave me. I’m not sure they’ve been that excited before and to quote the oldest “Mom I’m freaking out”, in fact she was freaking out. I laughed and showed them the paints. I let them each pick out their colors before they each started on the wall. I told each girl to stick to their areas to avoid the ultimately bound to happen fight club fight, with paint this time. I sat on my bed and watched in amazement as my girls created a masterpiece of their own imagination. The painted flowers, random lines, hearts, anything their little minds thought of. In that moment I had the perfect opportunity to clean and organize what they had destroyed but I couldn’t move. I was in love with watching my daughters cover my wall with paint. Something so simple that now means the world to me. It’s perfect, every little hand print and color smear. They laughed and shared, they listened and there was only a little bit of a mess to clean up. I don’t want to say it was magical but it made my days off great. It made my Mothers Day weekend off just what I needed.

Deployment Week ?!

It’s been a few weeks of us adjusting to us four, I’d like to tell you it’s going good but that’d be a big Texas sized lie. It’s been rough, mostly because the pint sized people aren’t sleeping well. Gracelyn has co-slept since she was born, it’s a decision proving to be kicking myself in the backside. She refuses and I mean capital letter, exclamation point REFUSES to sleep in her room no matter what I try. She’s slept in between us her whole life and now the right side of her is empty. She woke up crying the other night because “the monsters on that side are going to get me cuz daddys not here to stop them from coming over the side of the bed”, so to get that child to sleep I had to lay on her. She’s not understanding why he’s not home and we have a long way to go before he comes home. I know give it time and adjustments will be made but this is rough. Day by day we are getting there. She now goes to her room for a bit but still ends up back in my bed. Keeping them occupied has helped the best but it hasn’t for my bank account, I want to spoil them and keep them as happy as possible. We live in the country so they have a few acres to run on and play on their toys. They have a dune buggy, four wheeler and soon to be another toy(it’s a surprise though) that they ride all over. The freedom of being outside and this cabin fever is hitting us all. Covid locking us down has also effected the children, they love shopping and going places and now they can’t. Guess who also doesn’t understand why they can’t? You guessed it, the same children who’s routine and lives have already been changed recently. They have no normal currently. Baby steps we are getting there, right?

Wild Child, My Heart

Let kids be kids, let them run free and wild. I’ve documented everything we do with the girls to save for them and Nick to see. The photos I’m sharing are just another typical day we went outside but as you can see my yard needed mowed and it was overran with dandelion flowers. It amazed me to see how many there were and to see the girls blowing on them announcing their wishes out loud. I’m going to take a good guess you expect me to say they wished for their daddy, right? Big negative, they wished for a mermaid, kitties, skittles, popsicles, a truck to drive(that might be the surprise coming), a rainbow party, Papa to come over and drive the tractor and last but not least Gracelyn wished for a vacation to see dolphins like mommy did. Girl I’m right there with ya wishing for that! I photographed them throughout us being outside and I was in awe of how grown up they are. They are a year and a half apart, the twins will be 3 next month and G will be 5 this year. I blinked and now my daughters are almost completely out of diapers, they hold conversations with you and have the funniest personalities. Parenthood is a time machine, in fast speed and there’s no button to slow time down. For 1,055 days I’ve been a mom to twins and for 1,637 days I’ve been a mom in general, to a mini version of myself. Today I said multiple times how it was like I’m her big sister when I argue with her but the twins I’m mom mode. She knows how I am but she fails to realize I have experience on her.

COVID- You bastard.

We will get better slowly but surely. Life has been chaos for everyone lately, especially with most businesses still shut down. I keep talking to the big man upstairs about my anxiety and how everything will be okay. I have faith that someday soon things will get smooth but for now buckle up buttercup because a certain fat man in charge is taking us for a ride on a bumpy road. I know how bad my mental health has been since COVID started, I can only imagine how bad it is for small business owners that are deemed “non essential”. Like my hair stylist for example, she has a small business that is used to keep her family afloat and provide for her child. That’s essential to me and my mental health along with essential to provide for her family. I need my therapy session in that chair while she listens to my life problems and takes care of these roots. Who is deciding who is considered essential or not? I could also say my tattoo artist is essential at this point because I’m a weird person who relaxes while getting a tattoo(I’ve had to reschedule my appointment twice now due to COVID) and that is his source of income. He’s a business owner meaning he has employees that are suffering too because they aren’t considered “essential”. I get the reasoning but I disagree at this point. I’m being selfish and thinking about my mental health and what would help it along with helping those small businesses, that have helped me time and time again.

I’ve rambled on for tonight, I have Paityn asleep in my bed next to me and for now the G-Baby is asleep in her own room. Maisyn is a champ snoring away in her crib. I enjoyed my few days off but they are never long enough, makes me second guess and wonder if I’m making the right decision. I know I am but it’s just tough. They need me but so does my career choice and I love my job, I just miss my girls a lot. Sigh, another day closer to a few days off.

Love,

Candyce

p.s- Here’s a picture of my lugghead boy, Sarge.

Even though I’m Leaving…

Nick got the call earlier this week that they’re deploying in xxx days. Those days have turned into hours now. We’ve been preparing over and over but it’s not any easier. I’ve thought of how to tell the girls, all week, and now that we are to the very last minute we finally told them.

We took pictures tonight, the Princesses and their daddy. I’ve only had a chance to go over a few of them because quite frankly it’s been hard to see through the tears. After photos Gracelyn asked if we could sit down on a blanket in the dining room and have a picnic. So there we sat three princesses in rain boots, tiaras, pasta sauced faces and giggles as they raced who could eat what the fasted. It only lasted a few minutes before Paityn was climbing Nick, Gracelyn was chasing the puppy and Maisyn was trying to blow milk bubbles out of her nose(I wish I was kidding). It dawned on me, this was our last family dinner and the chaos in front of me is exactly what I needed. The girls being their typical selves not realizing the drastic change coming. It was the last few moments of them being them before we told them the news. As I sat the girls down, Paityn still climbing Nick’s back, Maisyn actively shoveling pasta into her mouth and Gracelyn realizing there were onions in the food but she “hates onions”, I raised my voice to get their attention. All three looked at me wide eyes and a little terrified I’m sure, I don’t typically raise my voice. I looked at Gracelyn and before I could speak a word the tears were welling in my eyes. I said “Baby we need to talk, we need to have a big girl talk about something important okay?” “What’s wrong momma, why do you always cry?” (Okay child, way to call me out like that) I looked at her and said “Gracie, your daddy is going to be going away for a while, a lot longer than normal. We won’t be able to see him but we can still talk to him on the phone.” She looked puzzled for a minute before she spoke. This was an all too familiar memory of my own past so I knew what was coming. “Why? Where is daddy going?” The room was silent and still besides the sniffles coming from the man next to me and the sound of my heart racing in my chest. How do you explain to a 4 year old that her daddy is off to a war that has been going on most of her mommy’s life? I googled tips this week and the tips said to be honest with her, otherwise they got nada. So I told her “Daddy is going to be a good guy and help people. He’s going to *insert country here* and he’s going with a bunch of other people to help get rid of bad guys.” “Why?” She asked completely stone faced. “Because that’s what daddy does, he helps people. He’s a soldier remember? So he helps others.” My smiley, spunky over the top daughters face quickly turned into a sad face with tears in her eyes as it started to click. She curled up on my lap as I continued to try helping her with her questions and her worries, like how her daddy won’t be home for her birthday or Christmas, he won’t be home for the twins birthday in June, he won’t be here to play with her or cuddle her. My baby was experiencing sadness that I couldn’t fix and that is a helpless feeling. I squeezed my girl while the tears fell from my face. As she and I softly cried together, Paityns clung to her dad’s back playing with his ears, as happy as can be. Maisyn was next to me wearing two tiaras now, wearing her Belle Princess dress and her pink rain boots. She was singing her ABC’s while eating more pasta(I’m not saying she’s my favorite child but when it comes to eating, she’s my girl!). The twins don’t understand it and I think that makes it harder. They ask each morning that Nick doesn’t get them up, where’s daddy? How long will it be of them asking before they get upset and throw a fit for him? How long will the tears of the oldest last when she doesn’t get to cuddle him at night? It’ll get worse before better. My heart hurts so bad for my girls but it hurts even worse for Nick. He’s going to be missing out on everything, for a long while. The girls are changing and developing so much at this age, they’re going to be completely different when he comes home. The sooner this starts the sooner it’s over.

Luke Combs wrote a song called Even Though I’m Leaving, the first verse is Nick and G to a T. He chases her monsters away. He protects her and is her safe haven. I know I can do it too, but I’m not her dad. Every girl needs her dad. How do I make this transition smoothest? The answer? There is no answer. It’s trial and error. Tears will be shed from both of us. How do you be strong for your children when you want to cry for them? I say it all the time, I’m fine. Nick compares me to Meredith Grey because I answer everything with “I’m Fine, I’m always fine”. No matter what’s thrown at me, I answer it the same every time. Maybe this time I won’t be fine, but for now I’m doing fine. The next few weeks please bare with me as we face this change, I’m not sure what to expect other than a lot of wine(probably should invest into wine stocks) and a lot of chick flicks. I luckily have an amazing support system and have taken time off to spend sometime with my girls. They need their mommy but their mommy needs them more.

Love,

Candyce 🧡