Week 1. FAIL.

That’s right, you see me sitting on my kitchen floor, drinking a Capri Sun. Why? Because this first week of not only one but two new schedules has really put me to the test. If I had wine, I’m confident I’d be chugging the bottle. Let me tell you the story of how I came to be spending my Saturday night on my kitchen floor drinking my daughters last Capri Sun.

Earlier this week started our new work schedule, it changed my days off. I’ve been on the same schedule for the last 6+ months. I need to shout it out now that I am not a fan of change. I need a bumper sticker that says DON’T FIX WHAT’S NOT BROKEN. Yeah, I hate change that much. With our new staff, our schedules had to change. This was the first week of the new schedule and I worked with different people. It went well although my days off changing has seemed to make this week drag.

I had Monday off thanks to this new schedule. I thought the girls and I would sleep in, enjoy some peace and quiet while we have an “us” day. All was fine until I heard the dogs go barking and saw a vehicle I didn’t recognize in my driveway. We live in the BFE so unexpected visitors doesn’t usually happen so I raced to throw clothes on and see who it was. It was our appraiser, from the adult onsie I had just thrown on he could tell I had no idea he was coming over. I quickly dressed the three nakey Turdlers (potty training is my excuse, or it was laundry day which is also truthful) and he did what he needed to do. He thanked me for our service and that he understood wives serve too. The rest of the day went well other than that minor anxiety attack I caused myself(whoopsie)

Tuesday before work, which used to be my Thursday but now it’s my Monday (see, confusing) Maisyn got her first fat lip. Minutes before I had to leave for work she biffed it(meaning she took a note from mommy’s handbook and face planted on the wooden floor) she was playing and boom down she went. She cried and I checked her lip out, bleeding. I’d bet money she will be my child that has a weak stomach to blood. She cried and clung to my neck. As I’m holding on to her, the twin bond or whatever you’d like to call it must have engaged because Paityn bit her tongue not even 30 seconds after Maisyn fell. I then had two ba ies crying and bleeding. I’m not sure what kind of household you have but mine is mostly ran on popsicles. Once again they save the day! Half a dozen popsicles and two number mouths later both twins were calmed and no longer bleeding. I was able to hand off the girls to the sitter(aka their Nunna my mother) and get out the door to work on time.

Wednesday, to be honest my week blended together after Tuesday. Thursday was also a blur, did Friday even happen? Let’s fast forward to Saturday.

The girls have been up and down all week when it comes to bed time, especially the oldest who has started crying for her dad at night. Last night was the toughest night so far and I got very little sleep between taking care of all three. We got up and the puppy had destroyed his bed, went potty inside, drug out all the girls toys and was just being a menace. I cleaned the messes up and realized I needed to do the dishes. Laundry was washed but it needed folded and put away. The grass is looking kind of 1970’s shag style outside so mowing is on the agenda. I realized I need to pick up groceries especially paper towel I was now out of. I got the girls their food, cups and started picking up the now destroyed house. Very quickly time passed and I needed to get ready for work. I took a quick bath, Maisyn was mad about something so she was attached to my hip. As soon as I got out of the tub that child was naked and in the tub. It was almost like the twins are each other’s shadows because splash there was Paityn in the tub. Big sister couldn’t let them have all the fun so here she came strutting her stuff before taking over the tub. It’s cute until they unleash their bossiness and start hitting each other, teen years are going to be miserable. I drained the tub, got all three dressed and myself ready for work in time. Maisyn wanted mommy so I skipped makeup(those who saw me today I apologize for looking like Chef Troll on Trolls) and cuddled her for a bit. Headed to work, music blaring, preparing for my Friday.

Work was work. With my job it’s hit and miss how the shift will go, you never know what’s coming. When I say that, I also mean in your home life! My sitter messaged me, the bathroom sink broke and there was water flooding my house. THERE IT IS. Not even one week into deployment and something hits the fan. My kitchen, bathroom, basement, all of it has water. My stash of toilet paper, that white gold that people are hoarding, all the rolls were ruined. I might have to sell a child to Rumpelstiltskin to obtain more toilet paper. Luckily my sitter and parents were able to get the water off and the mess cleaned up. Tomorrow my parents will fix the sink completely, hopefully ๐Ÿ˜ I decided to grab dinner at work tonight and figured I’d stop at the store to get TP and much needed paper towels. I forgot to grab my mask from my work bag so as I pulled into the store parking lot, I remember it’s now mandatory to wear masks in public places where you might not be able to be 6ft apart or the store can choose to refuse you service. I decided to not chance the argument and went back to work, tp-less and wine-less. I knew I’d need it tonight but my forgetness cost me my wine time tonight. The Covid has really thrown everyone through a loop so kudos to us all for hanging on.

When I got home from work I felt completely overwhelmed. I have so much to do in such a short time, I need to finish up laundry especially since three girls in big girl undies, two of which are mid potty training, they need clean undies. Towels were completely dirty due to the Tsunami that happened this evening. The laundry is built up so high, all clean, but putting it away and sorting it is going to take FOR-EV-ER(please get the reference). The grass needs mowed, so bad it’s unreal. I might have lost Sarge in the grass if it wasn’t for his little nub of a tail wagging(I’m being dramatic, it’s not that long but long enough to annoy me). My house is messy, not dirty but not up to my standards so I know I’ll spend the next two days cleaning and going through things to get rid of. The icing on the cake was when I was reminded, I need to have Gracelyns school work turned in soon. I feel like a failure as a mom because the last few weeks we have pushed Gracelyns education to the back burner, we chose to spend time together instead. It was a selfish decision but I think it was a good decision. We are adjusting routines to a single parent household, a new work schedule and now a no school schedule. I love routine, so does Gracelyn and now her poor schedule has changed twice in a week. Now I’ve pushed her education to the back and feel like I’ve let her down. I know I haven’t, but I fell behind on her work so we will be catching up on it. She’s been acting out, telling lies and has turned into a Gremlin that someone watered after midnight. My sweet child cried for her dad last night, go the point she was screaming and woke her sisters. My bed slept all for of us last night and almost tonight too. How do I fix everything, catch up on everything, maintain a routine and comfort my daughter? So much in one night. Maisyn was awake when I got home, she wanted cuddled so mommy cuddled. She needed me but I needed her more. We took pictures and held each other for a while before I bribed her to go to bed. So there I sat, on my kitchen floor drinking the girls last Capri Sun, trying to figure out how I’m going to manage to take care of this all.

These problems are minor, it’s stuff that will get done even if it’s babysteps. To me, it’s overwhelming and makes me anxious. It dawned on me though, I’m not the only person feeling like this. I scroll through my news feed on Facebook and many others can relate to feeling like they need to fix the world instantly. We can’t tho and we should ask for help when we need it. I’m a very independent person so asking for help has never been easy for me. My parents have helped out and are taking care of a few of the problems, because they know I need their help. Is it a pride thing to. It ask for help? I know I should be able to do it on my own so is that why I don’t ask? Is it a sign of weakness and I want to appear bulletproof? I don’t know the answer, but I do know I have great support that knows when I need them without asking. Everyone has people like that, to have our backs regardless of the situation. If you don’t think you do, I’ll be that person for you without missing a beat. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. This world has enough evil, we can be the good.

We don’t have to have it all figured out instantly. Babysteps are still steps and as long as you’re still moving, you will get somewhere. I repeat that to myself daily because I need it. Week 1 has felt like a failure, I bent but I didn’t break. Now I lay here listening to the two year olds talk to each other, laugh, sing and count while the four year old plays on the tablet(judge me because it’s 3am and my kids aren’t asleep/playing with electronics, they’re at least content and so is my heart). I need to learn to stop having a negative mind and appreciate the little things like those giggles or my toddler watching makeup tutorials. Good things are in each day, we just have to notice them…

Love,

Candyce ๐Ÿงก

Day 2.

I know the last few blogs have pulled at most heart strings, for given reasons, but that doesn’t mean all days will be sad. Day 2 started with all my children sleeping until 11. ALL THREE CHILDREN SLEPT IN, I WOKE THE TWINS UP. Like thank you Lord for blessing me with much needed sleep! The twins were up super late singing and talking so I hoped they’d sleep in. Gracelyn woke up, unlocked my phone and decided to educate herself with YouTube so not a peep out of her. I woke up to the pup licking my face. I got up, tripped over Zeus and face planted into the bathroom door. Shocker to no one, I just wanted to test gravity out for everyone, good news it still works! Gracelyn looked at me, sighed and said “Mom you’re not supposed to hug the door”. Thanks child, I had no idea. I went to get the twins up and when it comes to waking the twins up they are opposites. One baby is more like daddy, waking up in a decent mood. The other is just like mommy, it’s like waking up TeKa, the lava monster off Moana. It’s closely accurate, flames and all. It’s not a pretty sight and usually there is growling. Paityn, is usually the one like mommy. She’s known as the Pistol for a reason. I bribed the growling baby bear with chocolate to not bite my hand while reaching into her bed to get her out of bed. I made the girls a jar of Hershey Kisses, labeled “Kisses from Daddy” so each day they get a “kiss” from Daddy. Another reason why Paityn is mommy’s mini, she agrees chocolate is LIFE! Mentioned chocolate and that child was bright eyed and bushy tailed(never quite understood that expression). Fast forward through potty time(potty training is for the birds ๐Ÿ™„) and it was breakfast time.

these pictures are blurry because it’s impossible to capture them sitting still ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

The girls are super picky so it’s always a challenge to find a meal they’ll all eat. But I also know if I offer them something 1/3 will refuse, but if I eat something 3/3 will eat it. Mommy had a granola bar and would you have guessed, none of my children wanted their cheesy scrambled eggs but the sure loved mommy’s granola bar. They also got their “kisses” from Daddy and proceeded to start the tornado throughout the house. Gracelyn decided to color, Maisyn decided to take her clothes off and use herself as a canvas for markers and Paityn laid back on the couch watching tv(again, my girl!) I cleaned up the eggs left over from the dogs cleaning the plates and got the girls their highly demanded popsicles. What are in those things that they have taken complete control over my children? I’m not above bribery, or rewarding my children. I looked in to see a naked toddler trying to ride on the back of my Rottweiler puppy who wasnt phased at all with her attempting to turn him into a horse. There was a big puddle of a mystery fluid on the floor(again, potty training is not fun) whether it came from the puppy or naked child I do not know ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ. The crayons were now covering the dining room floor and Gracelyn looked at me as she shrugged and said “I don’t know what happened. I closed my eyes to blink and they exploded everywhere”. Girls got jokes ๐Ÿ˜ I brought in their lunch and made them sit at the table. I returned to the kitchen to get their drinks, came back to find now 2/3 of my children were in their birthday suits and the oldest wasn’t far behind. Do I argue with all three to put clothes on or do I let it go for now? Yeah, I wasn’t up to fight with them today. Gracelyn decided to have a meltdown because Maisyn was sitting in “Gracelyns chair”, she might be tiny but she is mighty with her attitude, sass, temper and strong will. That moment showed clearly she might look just like me but her father is in there somewhere! When she stomped her foot with that scowl look on her face, yep there he is! She didn’t get her way but I sat down eye level to her and made her talk to me. She calmed down quickly and laid on my lap. She finally asked Maisyn to switch her spots and would you know, that’s all it took to get “her” seat? Maisyn didn’t care as long as you don’t take her food away. She wasn’t sitting anyway she was standing up shaking her booty to the cartoons playing music on TV while eating her cheese quesadilla. She’s such a happy turdler. Paityn was laying on the couch eating her quesadilla because she wasn’t ready to deal with people yet. Gracelyn wanted to have waffles with sausages and bacon for dinner. Unfortunately I didn’t have what I needed so I had a minor anxiety attack over knowing I can’t just up and take the girls with me to the store. With the COVID some of our local stores were saying no children allowed and as of Friday the lovely Governor of ours has enforced mandated masks for anyone over 2. If you’ve met my very strong willed children you KNOW masks won’t be happening, so my children are home bound until further notice. So as I thought about it, knowing no one was able to come watch the girls in a last minute ideas, my anxiety kicked in. The independence I was had is gone, the option to go out to the store with my children was not happening. COVID is no joke. With their father deployed, there’s nothing I can do but wait. I posted a status about it and I had so many people reach out to see if they could help. I hadn’t cried today but those comments and messages made me cry all over again. The amount of amazing people around me and my girls is completely amazing. I know my daughters will grow up surrounded by such great people. This world is an evil messed up place, but our community is a great place filled with love and hope. The girls continued to play while I decided to relax and take a bath. A relaxing bath in my household consists of me in a super hot bath with three little girls splashing in the water on me while they beg to get into my water with me. Three minutes into the bath with three naked girls standing next to me, the dogs were outside barking. No one was expected so I towel up and look out the window to see a jeep with someone pinned inside. I had called the dogs off and they came inside. I quickly dressed and the man approached my locked door. I saw his face and instantly recognized him. He was here to do an appraisal on our house. Someone had forgot about it(we all forgot), got all three kids dressed in a flash and the dogs locked up. He finished what he had to do and we made small talk about Nick before he left. The girls decided to watch a movie and I sat on the kitchen counter doing my nails(I tried those Color street stick on nail strips, AMAZING they’re so simple and easy. Glennette Barclay can hook you up!). I felt kind of like I had my life together for a minute right then. My mom came over to watch the girls so I could head to Lowe’s, which turned out to be closed. Ya girl has decided to make herself a dining room table, you did read that right. Me+power tools=911 on stand by but luckily I know a thing or two about 911 ๐Ÿ˜† I jammed out to my own concert in the truck and came home to three little girls with their hair braided, happy as can be to have their Nunna, but ready for bed. The twins went to bed easily tonight, Gracelyn has not. She went to her bed a solid 11 times, I finally said I’m done walking back and forth, she’s currently asleep on the couch. I take pictures of the girls daily, but as you can see it’s a challenge to get one photo in focus let alone all three looking and smiling.

Another day has gone by and tomorrow I return to work. This is when the new “normal” begins. The new routine of things, the adjustments and we will see how smoothly the transition is. We are hanging in there. Nick is doing as well as can be. But for now, another heartbreak for me, that’s right I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy. Thanks Shonda, I needed another cry ๐Ÿ™„

Love,

Candyce ๐Ÿงก

Even though I’m Leaving…

Nick got the call earlier this week that they’re deploying in xxx days. Those days have turned into hours now. We’ve been preparing over and over but it’s not any easier. I’ve thought of how to tell the girls, all week, and now that we are to the very last minute we finally told them.

We took pictures tonight, the Princesses and their daddy. I’ve only had a chance to go over a few of them because quite frankly it’s been hard to see through the tears. After photos Gracelyn asked if we could sit down on a blanket in the dining room and have a picnic. So there we sat three princesses in rain boots, tiaras, pasta sauced faces and giggles as they raced who could eat what the fasted. It only lasted a few minutes before Paityn was climbing Nick, Gracelyn was chasing the puppy and Maisyn was trying to blow milk bubbles out of her nose(I wish I was kidding). It dawned on me, this was our last family dinner and the chaos in front of me is exactly what I needed. The girls being their typical selves not realizing the drastic change coming. It was the last few moments of them being them before we told them the news. As I sat the girls down, Paityn still climbing Nick’s back, Maisyn actively shoveling pasta into her mouth and Gracelyn realizing there were onions in the food but she “hates onions”, I raised my voice to get their attention. All three looked at me wide eyes and a little terrified I’m sure, I don’t typically raise my voice. I looked at Gracelyn and before I could speak a word the tears were welling in my eyes. I said “Baby we need to talk, we need to have a big girl talk about something important okay?” “What’s wrong momma, why do you always cry?” (Okay child, way to call me out like that) I looked at her and said “Gracie, your daddy is going to be going away for a while, a lot longer than normal. We won’t be able to see him but we can still talk to him on the phone.” She looked puzzled for a minute before she spoke. This was an all too familiar memory of my own past so I knew what was coming. “Why? Where is daddy going?” The room was silent and still besides the sniffles coming from the man next to me and the sound of my heart racing in my chest. How do you explain to a 4 year old that her daddy is off to a war that has been going on most of her mommy’s life? I googled tips this week and the tips said to be honest with her, otherwise they got nada. So I told her “Daddy is going to be a good guy and help people. He’s going to *insert country here* and he’s going with a bunch of other people to help get rid of bad guys.” “Why?” She asked completely stone faced. “Because that’s what daddy does, he helps people. He’s a soldier remember? So he helps others.” My smiley, spunky over the top daughters face quickly turned into a sad face with tears in her eyes as it started to click. She curled up on my lap as I continued to try helping her with her questions and her worries, like how her daddy won’t be home for her birthday or Christmas, he won’t be home for the twins birthday in June, he won’t be here to play with her or cuddle her. My baby was experiencing sadness that I couldn’t fix and that is a helpless feeling. I squeezed my girl while the tears fell from my face. As she and I softly cried together, Paityns clung to her dad’s back playing with his ears, as happy as can be. Maisyn was next to me wearing two tiaras now, wearing her Belle Princess dress and her pink rain boots. She was singing her ABC’s while eating more pasta(I’m not saying she’s my favorite child but when it comes to eating, she’s my girl!). The twins don’t understand it and I think that makes it harder. They ask each morning that Nick doesn’t get them up, where’s daddy? How long will it be of them asking before they get upset and throw a fit for him? How long will the tears of the oldest last when she doesn’t get to cuddle him at night? It’ll get worse before better. My heart hurts so bad for my girls but it hurts even worse for Nick. He’s going to be missing out on everything, for a long while. The girls are changing and developing so much at this age, they’re going to be completely different when he comes home. The sooner this starts the sooner it’s over.

Luke Combs wrote a song called Even Though I’m Leaving, the first verse is Nick and G to a T. He chases her monsters away. He protects her and is her safe haven. I know I can do it too, but I’m not her dad. Every girl needs her dad. How do I make this transition smoothest? The answer? There is no answer. It’s trial and error. Tears will be shed from both of us. How do you be strong for your children when you want to cry for them? I say it all the time, I’m fine. Nick compares me to Meredith Grey because I answer everything with “I’m Fine, I’m always fine”. No matter what’s thrown at me, I answer it the same every time. Maybe this time I won’t be fine, but for now I’m doing fine. The next few weeks please bare with me as we face this change, I’m not sure what to expect other than a lot of wine(probably should invest into wine stocks) and a lot of chick flicks. I luckily have an amazing support system and have taken time off to spend sometime with my girls. They need their mommy but their mommy needs them more.

Love,

Candyce ๐Ÿงก